As a young pastor within a decent sized church, I’ve heard and seen a lot of hurt that people carry around like baggage in an airport, afraid to set down because they have been told that they must keep it in hand.
In fact, some of this pain comes from within the very church itself. Last week we discussed how sometimes the offense we receive from “within the flock” seems far more painful that that which we receive from the world. The pain caused by a church is what I would call a “silent killer.” I would compare this pain to a poison. I say that because the initial blow, public or not, isn’t what often kills you… it is a “silent killer” because of what it does deep in the fabric of the mind, heart, and soul after the fact. If not dealt with, it will destroy future happiness, joy, and well-being. The collateral damage of overall negatively towards people and the church affects the ministry and outreach of the church and the person, and sometimes the situation festers into far more than what it really should have.
The church is the bride of Christ and the body of Christ — a people set apart to declare God’s praises to the nations and called to become more like the people of God we are meant to be. The church is the one place almost everyone agrees should be safe, accepting, forgiving, and free from conflict and pain. Yet pain from within a gathering of sinful people is almost always inevitable. I tried to make it clear last week that not every church hurts people, and not every hurt is the church’s fault. Some people are hurt through their own mistakes, others because of sin committed against them, and still others because of failed leadership at home, at the workplace, or sometimes at church. Not every church hurts people… but most churches have hurt someone at some point in some way.
We shouldn’t be surprised by hurt and pain in the church, because everyone in the church is still sinful. But while saving faith in Christ is not surprised by brokenness, it is never content or negligent with it either.
So how do we make progress in the midst of our flaws? Last week we discussed what our mindset needs to be after we have been hurt or offended. This week we will continue on that same track except we will discuss some actions we should, and should not, take when we have been hurt or offended. Let’s think together!
Take it to God.
Have you ever seen an ambulance pick up a seriously injured person and then stop to go around a drive-thru? I hope not! When a person is injured they are rushed to get help from a physician… one who can heal their pain.
When we are initially hurt here on this earth the very first action we should take is to rush to the “Healer” in prayer. It does us no good to sit in our pain and offense and wait for the healing to come to us. The hurt we feel is real and pretending like we aren’t hurt and not seeking help ultimately isn’t going to bring healing.
As a young man I like to pretend that I never get seriously injured. I have joked around in games of basketball saying, “no blood… no foul” but simply saying that doesn’t take the pain out of your hips when you get knocked to the floor on a drive to the hoop! You might try to “walk it off” and pretend you aren’t hurt, but in reality you are!
Sometimes when we get hurt in church folks like to tell us that we have no reason to feel bad and we just need to get over it. I will give them a nod on half of that statement, because we do need to get over it, but it’s not always true that we have no reason to feel bad. If someone is spewing malicious gossip behind your back and you find out about it, it stings. But, no matter what kind of hurt you’re dealing with, don’t rush into a confrontation with the offender. Take it to God in prayer first. Seek His guidance in what direction to take.
Psalm 50:15 says,
Call upon me in the day of trouble.
That “calling upon” works for a troubled soul just as well as it does any other trouble we could think of. Tell God how you feel and ask Him to heal your wounds. It may be that the Lord is going to deal with the offender directly and anything you say would just make matters worse. Or, it could be that the Lord will give you a graceful way to explain why you feel hurt. If you take it to God, He can give you the very words to say to your offender.
Luke 12:12 says,
For the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.
And not only can God provide to you the words to say, but He can also bring conviction to that person’s heart when you approach them with a spirit of humility.
John 16:16 says,
And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.
In order to begin the healing we must talk to the Healer.
Seek the Root.
Have you ever gardened? If you have then you have most certainly seen a dead plant. The interesting thing about dead plants are that their signs of death are on the outside where they can be seen…but nearly always the problem is in the root.
When we are hurt or offended it is important that we turn our focus away from the people involved and identify the root cause of our pain. Honestly identify what you are feeling. Find out what is at the core of your hurt. You’d be surprised how often that it is not what someone said or did to you, but something under the surface that is really causing your pain.
When you truly identify the root of your pain, then search the Scriptures to discover what God says about it. In every case God has a balm of wisdom, compassion, and love to heal your wounds. If you call on Him for help, your focus shifts to Him and off of other people and their actions. You will stop rehearsing the event that caused you harm, and begin to allow yourself to heal.
Proverbs 4:23 says,
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
We must work on guarding our hearts by carefully choosing our thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and actions. We can guard our hearts in the midst or hurt by refusing to dwell on what happened, refusing to focus on the people who hurt us, and refusing to belabor the weaknesses of the church and killing the issue at the root. Giving up bitterness takes humility, but Proverbs 3:34 says,
The LORD mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.
We must be sure to not blame God for how His children behave. Don’t abandon the church, either. There are many more dedicated, grace-filled, loving, and forgiving people than not in most churches. Seek them out. Spend time with them. Ultimately, we can have hope because our healing comes from the Lord. It is now up to us to do the right thing and turn our focus to the Person who will truly transform our life above and beyond the hurt we may feel.
Jesus promised, in Matthew 11:28-30,
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
If you’ve ever been a child with a sibling then you know what retaliation is. I once had a friend punch his brother only to be nailed in the forehead with a fastball hotwheel car in return… now that is retaliation!
When you are injured in church or by another person whatever you do, do not retaliate. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek.
Matthew 5:38-40 says,
You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.
We are also told to do something pretty radical. Matthew 43-44 says,
You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
Man… just the thought of those things makes the prideful parts of my heart shudder with anxiety. If you are like me you may be upset a little bit with the fact that our “get even” mentality is sinful and honestly doesn’t make anything any better. In fact, we are supposed to love and pray for our enemies! And not those prayers of demise either!
With those things in mind, we must make it a point to not go around telling everybody what someone did to hurt our feelings and how we are right and they are wrong. This isn’t a game of flag football… so we don’t have to pick sides! We are all on the same time and we should unite and rally around one cause, the cause of Christ. We must own our feelings because they are our feelings, and look to reconcile them with the person we feel has hurt or wronged us. From experience I know that it’s very possible that your offender has no idea that what they said or did hurt you, and never meant to hurt you in the first place. If you approach them in humility seeing reconciliation, your offender may be quick to apologize.
Let the Lord Work.
Psalm 55:22 says,
Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.
I find that it is easy to misread these passages to mean that God is a magic problem-solver, a genie whose main job is to make us happy today. It’s easy to assume that casting our troubles on God means He will take our troubles away. Sometimes, though, He doesn’t.
Many of us have heard the phrase, “let go and let God.” But there are times when we aren’t clear what it is we’re supposed to let go of, and there are other times we want to let go of something, and we try to let it go, and it just doesn’t happen. Why is that
Sometimes there’s a difference in what we want to give up and what we need to release.
It’s never wrong to continue to seek God’s will in an area, but there does come a time when we have to let go of what we think is best and simply trust Him to work.
Don’t grip so tightly to your assumptions about the way you think life “should” be. Often we think things ought to be easier than they really are, and don’t understand when we are held to the fire a little. In those times we can either trust God, or fight what we’re being asked to do and effectively resisting taking up our cross the way Jesus commanded in Matthew 16:24.
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”
Sometimes what we must give up are our preconceived notions of how life is supposed to work.
We need to let go of our own will. We even can witness Jesus doing this before the crucifixion in Luke 22:42 where He prayed,
Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done.
It could be that the Lord is working something out in you. Maybe you’re too sensitive, too prideful, too independent, too hardheaded or rebellious? We always need to check our hearts. Is the person who we feel hurt us really being hurtful or offensive are we looking at it through filters of past hurts or rejection or anger that cloud the truth? Ask the Lord, and then trust Him to work it out.
How is your pain and hurt limiting you? Did it leave you bitter? Broken? Reluctant to get close or involved again? We must work together to get up and leave our pain and hurt behind.
I’m a weird sleeper. I talk, I make noises, and sometimes, on rare occasions, I wander around. Now imagine sleep walking into a dangerous neighborhood, and suddenly waking up and realizing where you were. You would get out of that place as fast as you could! We should react the same way in our spiritual lives when we discover hurt lingering around and festering into bitterness or something else. Our hurt takes us to dangerous places spiritually that we don’t belong in. We must “wake up” spiritually and kick rocks as fast as we can!
The pain of your past is something you don’t have to continue to carry as you walk along in life. Just set it down and move on. Answer the call to leave your hurt behind.